


I Guess I'm Afraid

by Fanofthebastillelife



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Death, Death of a loved one, Grief, M/M, Post-Death Fic, Romance, That's the way it is from RDR2, bereavement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 16:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthebastillelife/pseuds/Fanofthebastillelife
Summary: That's the way it is.





	I Guess I'm Afraid

As he has journeyed on his voyage through life, Kyle has realised the few things that truly terrify him. In no particular order, these things include planes, the ocean, betrayal, and the death of his loved ones.

It’s obvious which one is number one.

He managed nearly thirty years without many of them making an actual appearance in his life (apart from flying for holidays and such, and a particular time when he was young and fell into the ocean, and _oh my God, Dad, something touched my foot! Helphelphelp!),_ but clearly, this streak hasn’t lasted.

Saying goodbye to Dan is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. Somehow, he had found himself being the most emotionally vulnerable person as well as the most numbed person in the world. He was forever on the brink of crying whilst also feeling _nothing,_ always. He would mope around all day, not feeling particular here nor there about anything until he went to bed, where he would cry himself to sleep, the bed feeling as big and as empty as ever without his lover lying next to him as he should be. Hell, it’s hardly as if Dan was sleeping in that bed for the last few weeks of his life anyway. The empty bed is not new for Kyle.

It’s really just the thought Dan would never be in the bed again. The same bed they had laughed in, cried in, made love in. All the normal things just waiting around the flat, ready to be used- Dan’s headphones hung on the computer monitor downstairs, his favourite jumper tucked over the armchair in the bedroom, as if Dan will wake up tomorrow and put it on, or his glasses and his favourite book waiting on the nightstand, the book half read after a late night reading session. His jackets in the cupboard, his scarf, his shoes, his favourite mug. Everything, just waiting to be used by an owner that will never come home.

It really hits Kyle when he thinks of it like that.

Maybe he’ll donate them to a charity shop, so somebody else can use them and love them as Dan had. He’d keep his _favourite_ stuff- the book, the heat-activated _Tetris_ mug that had entertained him so much, his _scarf._ He couldn’t let that stuff go, but there’s no point keeping a thousand pairs of shoes and coats that nobody will ever use again.

He’s gone through the majority of his life with Dan by his side, laughing, joking, _loving_ along the way. They’d walked the many miles through the many years of each other’s lives, experiencing things and building memories for themselves, to love, to cherish. _To burn_ when Dan wouldn’t be there to reminisce with Kyle any more. The many things they learnt feels like it’s all in vain.

“ _That’s the way it is, Kyle. I’m sorry.”_ Will had come over to see Kyle a week or so after Dan’s funeral, to make sure Kyle was still functioning at the very least. It hit them all hard, but Hell, who could it hit worse than _Kyle?_ Who _adored_ Dan for all that he was? All that he could’ve been…

The flat had looked intact compared to when the man last saw it, a few months before all of this when he had bought his girlfriend over to announce her pregnancy. The sun streamed in through the window, the yellow walls covered in photos of the pair, with their friends, with their family. The oak dining table on the other side of the room, covered with just a table cloth _because, Kyle, if I see you put one more hot mug down on that table I’m going to lose my shit,_ barren of any plates, cups, any signs of living. The flowers on the coffee table in the living room were new- well, not really. They’re actually long dead, a fading apology for an argument that seems so trivial right now.

“ _I know it sucks, but you need to speak to somebody before it gets worse. Grieving is always the-”_

“ _Hardest part, Will. I know. I have been told ten billion times.”_

And fuck, how do you even get through grief? It’s so unique and unexplainable- he blamed himself, but not really, he blamed the world, and also God, as well as anything that could’ve helped Dan. But, it wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t anybody's fault with what had happened. But how could Dan just… Die? No, someone _had_ to be to blame.

He couldn’t make sense of his own thoughts- how could he explain them to anyone else? He angry one minute and upset the next, he was distant yet at arm's length for everyone. If they needed him, he was there. Well, that’s the way he saw it, but it could’ve easily been the other way around.

Yeah. Yeah, it was probably the other way round.

  


He went to Dan’s tree daily. He had always said he wanted something to live his life when he couldn’t, but Kyle couldn’t really make sense of it. _How can anything else live your life?_ He had questioned him as they lounged on the sofa together, eating a hot chow mein, _there is only ever going to be one of you._

_Just because I might not be here_ _doesn’t mean I can’t live on through something. You know, I keep hearing of people becoming, like, corals and shit. I wanna be a tree._

So, as much as it made Kyle laugh, he bought a cherry blossom tree sapling the days following his death. Dan’s family owned their own land somewhere in the North of Greater London, where Dan spent much of his youth adventuring. So, deciding there was _nothing_ that could happen to Dan’s tree there, Kyle planted it, Dan’s parents scattering his ashes because, Christ, Kyle was a sobbing mess.

As he stands in front of the tree, Kyle observes that it’s grown more in the last week or so since it has been here. There’s a strong gust of wind behind him, cool and calming. _Comforting._ He likes to think it is Dan with him, giving him a hug of sorts. Perhaps it’s just in his mind, that he can’t really comprehend the idea of Dan not being there, not supporting him, he _has_ to believe he is here with him, somewhere.

He’s not always alone here, though. Sometimes Woody will join him- or Charlie did once, and Ralph is often a passing ship- both seeing Dan but never each other.

 _That’s the way it is,_ Woody had told him, wrapping the much taller man into a bear hug, holding him tight. _You cannot change it. But he is always here with you. Things will get better._

And he had asked _how the fuck can things get better? Dan won’t come back. I’ll never see him again, how can it get better?_

_How can it get worse?_

_I guess… I guess I’m afraid, Woods._

But things started easing. Good fortune came his way- the bills seemed significantly cheaper than usual, and he would find he would be in the right place at the right time. He would find money in the street, he would bump into lost acquaintances, people he had said he would like to meet again. He got promoted at work, he just felt _lucky._

_That’s the way it is._

_That’s the way it is._

Maybe he would never find love again. Maybe he would never get over the death of Dan. Maybe things would be lonely from now on.

But it felt, in a way, Dan was still there, a burning light in the darkness to show him the way. Keeping him warm, keeping him on track, keeping him from losing his mind.

_That’s the way it is._


End file.
